Starting Secondary School with Autism: Coping Strategies & Parent Advice

Introduction

There are many dramatic events and changes that happen in life as we get older which cause a massive amount of stress. Many of these are rated on something called the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory. This gives a points rating to all of life’s most stressful events. One of these ordeals is changing schools. Although it is lower down on the list, for it to be present on it, shows just how hard it is to go through this in our lives. In addition for people like us with autism, it would almost certainly get a much higher score. It is also based on the (what could be argued) the gentler US school transition. 

Most adults (myself included) would rate the change of schools to be one of the hardest and stressful events that happened in the whole of our childhoods. 

Why is it So Difficult

One of the ways dealing with the school transition is to understand why it is so difficult in the first place. 

Here in the UK we only have one major school change which is at the age of eleven. Where we move from primary (junior) school into secondary school. 

In primary school we have one teacher and one classroom with the same classmates every day. We all know each other really well. Everything is predictable and very little change happens. As we all know change is one of the biggest factors of stress for us. We are also accepted by our peers.

In secondary school nothing could be more different. We have multiple classes with multiple teachers and different students in each class. If we go to a large school, as a rough example, instead of having 30 students in our year group we could go up to having over 200. In addition to this where we all knew each other before, if we go to a school outside of our area, we might only know a handful of these 200 students. So we can lose acceptance by our peers, as our peers don’t know us at these early stages. On the Holmes-Raye scale, for non-adults, this is near the top of the most stressful life events. On top of this we have different start and finish times, different rules and expectations, more homework, varying personalities of teachers (from soft to ultra strict), a different location and going from being the eldest in the school to the youngest and more vulnerable.

It is such a massive change that takes time to process and get through.

What can be Done Initially to Reduce the Stress

Choosing the Right School

Choosing the right school can help with this transition but it is a difficult choice to make. You might fall lucky and the best school happens to be the school where all your friends go. But for many of us our friends tend to go to the most convenient, local school, that fits in with our parents’ lives, rather than the highest rated school that might be a little bit of a commute.

This means weighing up choosing the school that will give us the most in terms of being able to get better grades and career prospects vs an easier transition where we have our best friends with us.

It is not an easy choice to be made and it is something, as a parent, I have had to decide with my children on two occasions. The first time we prioritised friends and the second academic excellence.

Transition Days

Once your school is chosen many secondary schools now offer transition days. This is where towards the end of your primary school year, you go out of your primary school setting and into secondary school. For anything from a day to a few days. This gives you an idea of what life will be like in secondary school with the comfort of returning to your primary school setting afterwards.

I think these are brilliant as it takes away a little bit of the worry and stress of the massive move over the summer months. I do believe the more days they offer the better; and there should be more days available for people who are autistic to help with the monstrous change.

First Day

The first day at school and the first day back after the school break will always be difficult for us. Because we are autistic we get used to a new routine in the holidays. Especially if the holiday period is a longer one such as two weeks or the summer. Going back to school or starting a new school involves a massive change to our normal routine. This will be unavoidably stressful and difficult. But remember that once we get back into the swing of it all again, the school life becomes our routine and we get used to it very quickly.

If you’re lucky enough to transition to a new school with your best friend it will be much easier as you will be able to spend all of your free time with them (such as lunches and breaks). But because all the classes are mixed the chance are you will be in many lessons without your friend and it will really help to make new friends in each class. Which I know is much easier said than done (I’ve been there before and it is so difficult to do this).

You will make mistakes in the first few weeks such as not being able to find your classroom and all of this is very common. The teachers will almost always understand. There should be people around to help you too. Eventually you will either follow the crowd or get used to your timetable and it will all click into place.

We are all different and some of us are very outgoing and others quite reserved. But for the first few days I always think it is best to check the lay of the land. Which means quietly observe to see what others are doing then find our place after this.

If possible arrive to school a little earlier so you avoid the big rush at the start of the day and you give yourself plenty of time to get to your first classroom.

If you find a moment overwhelming, and you are alone, slow deep breaths can help to calm you down.

You don’t need a massive amount of friends. It is often enough to just have a friendly face, ideally another classmate but even a teacher or tutor will be better than nobody. Then just have classmates that you sit near or hang about with for the time being. You may notice that many people already have best friends and you can’t think about how you would fit in. But many friendship groups tend to develop to more than a pair and can easily become three or more people. So just being around another group of friends might be enough to gradually get more and more included, until you become a proper member of that group.

First Few Months

The first few months will be the most difficult part of the transition. It will involve: 

• Getting used to using a timetable and working with different teachers in different lessons
• Doing more homework
• Going to after school clubs, if required
• Different start and finish times compared to primary school
• Different commute to school
• Having tutor time
• Making new friends

The good thing about autism is that we love routines and predictability. So once we get over this massive change we can adapt and get used to many of the things that other people will find difficult. The hardest part for us is to find a friendship group and find out place in the school life. I will soon be making a new website page called Making Friends if this is an area you are struggling with.

My Advice

One Year Rule

Big life changes take a lot of adjustment. Try not to be too hard on yourself and realise that the chances are you are doing better than you think. I have made a rule for myself, which I call the 1 year rule. I worked out, even before I found out I was autistic, that it took me a full year to adjust and get used to any big change. These were the big changes in my life: going to secondary school, then college, moving homes, University and then new work places. My life has changed dramatically over the past couple of years and I still need and use this rule today. 

The one year rule has always held true. I know any large change will take a full, one year period to adapt to. Only after this time I will feel a true member of people I am around and they will accept me for who I am. I will trust and know them well enough to feel comfortable around them and settled. This still takes a great deal of effort on my part though. 

This rule really helps me to not be too hard on myself. When I find myself in a place where I am not talking to many people or fitting in very well I know that in time things will change.

Making New Friends

Try your best to gradually make new friends. This does take a little bit of time and you don’t want to try too hard as it can come across as being a little bit too forced. You also don’t want to put too much pressure on yourself either. But subtly put a little bit of effort it and it will definitely happen. It is such a big topic I have decided I will make a new webpage about it.

In making new friends, even if you tag onto another friendship group, it will help massively in your enjoyment of school. You have to be very careful you’re not led into the wrong group, but you should be good at spotting these people with the life experiences you’ve had at this stage. It is worth mentioning that many people who are autistic, are gullible (myself included) and can be more trusting of people who perhaps may take advantage of you if they can.

Let People Know

If you are struggling with any aspect of school life or life in general let people know. Whether this is parents, siblings, grandparents a trusted teacher, support worker or friends outside of school for example. By talking to lots of different people they can give you different advice and help from their own perspective. The worst thing to do is to keep it bottled up inside.

There will be times in life when you go to people for advice and help and you feel that they have not helped you very well or have not fully listened to your problems. Being autistic may mean that you then have this strong belief that as they did not help you before, it is a waste of time or effort to try again. Then it is possible to hold this belief for many years. But please push against this and don’t discount this person as they may be much better at helping in other areas in the future. Never suffer in silence.

Write Down your Problems and Think of Possible Solutions

Writing down your problems will help to take them off your mind. I tend to keep a password protected Diary for this (which I have written a separate webpage about found here: Diary/Journal webpage). But anything will do. By writing down your problems you offload them from your mind and onto the page. When you are dealing with a lot there may be too much for any brain to process. So by writing it all down you can deal with each problem one at a time avoiding your brain drifting off onto other problems you are facing at that time. You might bullet point each problem and write down your own ideas of how to solve the problem too.

If none of these are working and you’ve given it a lot of time for changes to occur. If you are in severe difficulties with school for example. Then it is worth talking to a parent or carer about other more drastic options. There may be ways that parents can help which you may not realise are options yourself. Such as them talking to the school, asking for a move in tutor group, or even changing the school for example. But please give it time, as it does take time for autistic people like us.