Autism and Coping with Passing of Loved One

Being autistic (Aspie) usually means we struggle understand and talk about our emotions and feelings.  Often being very internalised and keeping our struggles locked away. Not sharing them with anyone. Perhaps even blocking ourselves from thinking about these raw emotions.

Then, as with everyone, something massive and life changing happens to us and we’re not sure how to handle it.  One of the most tragic of these is the passing of a loved one. The closer the relationship, the harder it is to cope when this tragedy happens.

My Story

When I was a young child I lost my grandfather to cancer. I was incredibly close to him and I still remember the loss of him to this day, and the effect it had in me and the rest of the family.

Over the years, like most people experience, I’d lost pets such as dogs and cats and each of these passings was devastating to me.  But I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling (typically keeping it all inside).

Then as I got older I’d thought I’d been quite lucky in life, as most of my loved ones were still around. But then no matter how fortunate you are, the time inevitably comes when it happens and you lose someone who is really close. 

For me it was my mum, who I lost a year ago. It hit me like a steam train. Even though I knew it was coming, as she was really ill leading up to it. And my family and I all knew it was for the best because she’d suffered so much in her final months of life. Nothing could prepare me for this kind of pain and distress. 

Coping with the Passing of a Loved One Emotionally

Autistics, like us, have a great deal of difficulty understanding our emotions and expressing how we feel to those around us. Our way of coping tends to be by bottling everything up inside. The trouble with this, to those outside, is that they want to help us but feel that they can’t. Or we come across as uncaring and unempathetic.

Losing someone close is probably the most emotionally painful thing that a person can go through. It hits us hard. Weeks of tears. Distress. Hitting our absolute lowest point and suffering from extreme depression.

Many, but not all, of us will fall into one extreme of either: keeping incredibly busy (to keep our minds occupied) or staying locked away in our safe space (such as our bedrooms) only coming out for essentials such as meals and hygiene. This is totally normal for autistic people and even NTs in some respects although they will certainly offload their emotions to other people more.

If we have dependents we will definitely ensure they are fully cared and provided for but tend to retreat more often when the opportunity arises.

The grieving process takes time and things do get better in time. As the old saying goes time heals all wounds. It’s not quite fully true; but things do get better as the years pass by.

After a while you get back into your old routine such as work and childcare. Then, after a while, another life impacting event comes our way. Then it occupies your mind a little less. It never goes away completely but it does get a little easier.

Coping with the Passing of a Loved One Practically

Depending on your own circumstances; some or all of the responsibility dealing with the practical issues after the passing of a loved one may be your responsibility. This is course is doubly hard when your autistic (Aspie).

At a time that’s supposed to be for grieving. At a point in your life you just want to hide away from the world more than you ever have before. You need to pull through. You need to stand stronger than ever and deal with some very difficult and new challenges.

Remember though that before you know it all of these issues will be dealt with. Time will pass quickly and you will soon be on the other side where you can have the time and space you desperately need.

Some of the many issues and challenges you may face include:

• Dealing with the hospital or nursing home
• Funerals directors
• Funeral arrangements such as invites
• Financial matters
• Clearing their personal belongings and selling a home 
• Liaising with the person who is leading the service such as a Vicar.
• Contacting your work place for time off
• Going to your own GP for matters such as extending time off work.

As you can imagine, if finances allow it, there are companies that will help with certain aspects such as clearing a property.

A lot of people have to be paid such as the funeral directors and this will come out of any money left behind – this falls under such special circumstances that here in the UK the banks have to release this money from frozen accounts.

Talking to Others and Asking for Help

If your autistic tendencies affect you, like they do me, you will probably take the full load of losing a loved one without talking to anyone properly about it. You’ll pass on the basic essential information to people such as your manager at work, other family members and the funeral director. But the emotions such as grief and the undiluted pain, tends to be handled on our own. The same may be true for all of the events that led up to passing. Many of these emotions and feelings may be locked within us for ever.

I’m lucky I had a strong level of support at the time such as a wife, kids, father, sister and later down the line (when I went back to work) my friend there. Although I battled through most of it on my own, they where there for me.

If you can talk to others, no matter how small the details, it will help you to offload some of the things that will be replaying in your mind. They will give you a unique perspective (which you may agree with; or even completely disagree with. But either way it is equally useful as it either gives you new insights or solidifies your own feelings). 

As autistics we tend to be amazing listeners. Tend to be amazing at helping others in there time of need, if they seek this from us. We’re strong, caring, dependable and reliable. 

When we’re going through this trauma. That ranks at the very top of life most stressful events. It’s time to accept their support for the lifetime’s worth of support you’ve given them. In terms of work it’s time to be a little bit unreliable. To have the time off, you certainly and rightfully deserve, in order to get back on your feet (without feeling guilty for doing so). When you return let things slide a little in terms of reliably until you can fully cope with the world again. Nearly every employer and work colleague will understand and give you the time and space you need.

If you need help please take it up. Whether it’s from family and friends, your doctor, asking for adjustments at work such as time off, or seeking counselling. 

It’s a tragic and awful loss that eventually and horribly happens to us all. I genuinely wish that nobody had to go through this. But it will get a little easier in the future. 

I am a great believer of looking at it from the loved one who passed away’s perspective and thinking about how they would want you to be at this time. They’d want you to live a happy and successful life. They would have spent their lifetime trying to do all they could to make sure you were happy, loved, successful and enjoyed life. It’s insanely hard to begin with but when the time is right, slowly but surely, try to enjoy all the amazing things this world had to offer.